Recovering~

Well, im slowly recovering from the wrist injury i suffered back at sherman chalet.

Give me some time to get this blog up and running again. LOLS...

More rest is needed.. ^^v

happy happy~~

Hehe, happy happy.
Had a great day today chatting.
Was really anxious till i cant sleep.
Was not sure how i would react.
Den slept at 930am today.
Met her. And weeeeee~~~
i was completely comfortable with her.
No signs of awkwardness at all.
Maybe she does not know how i feel or wat.
But nonetheless, i really enjoyed the company.
And the way we talked and crack jokes out of the blue.

After today, it only made me sure.
She's the one that never fails to blow me away.
Her smiles and laughter never fail to kick-start mine as well.
Her Swa-kuness only made me enjoy her company more.
She really does make my day.

Im really happy happy. hee~
Hope things will turn the way i want.
Though chances are slim,
I'll await the chance.
(= ^^v =)


~Everything i do (i do it for you)~
Look into my eyes
You will see, what you mean to me
Search your heart, search your soul
When you find me there, then you'll search no more

Don't tell me it's not worth trying for
You can't tell me it's not worth dying for
You know it's true, everything I do I do it for you

Look in to your heart, you will find
There's nothing there to hide
Take me as I am, take my life
I would give it all, I would sacrifice

Don't tell me it's not worth fighting for
I can't help it, there's nothing I want more
You know it's true, everything I do I do it for you

There's no love, like your love
And no other, could give me more love
There's nowhere, unless you're there
All the time, all the way

You can't tell me it's not worth trying for
I can't help it, there is nothing I want more
I would fight for you, I'd lie for you
Walk the wire for you, yeah I'd die for you
You know it's true
Everything I do
I do for you.

Pillars of Strength

Hmmm, i've been awake for quite some time, dunno why cant sleep. had a slight thought on my life and i am surprised that after inhaling 19 years of oxygen, i realised that these past 3-4 years time, was actually the most fufilling, most enjoyable time of my life. I sometimes wonder wat would my life be, if i havent met the Beachers, what would i be doing if not for these pillars of strength. I may be a xia lan kia at times(ok most of the times), but deep down i really appreciate all that u all have done for me and the times we spent. I may be a bit busy at times and spoiler on the other and most of the times get on ur nerves, but i do hope u all do forgive me quickly cause everything that i said which could be mean to ur ears were all nothing but a joke or a practical joke. so may all of u excuse me.

I realised im indeed blessed being brought up in the streets of Crawford Lane. Many of those stranger which i've seen in my early childhood ears have now in a flash become a true friend of mine. A friend i would not trade for anything. Im blessed with the company of them in my teenage years being there for one another through our ups and downs. Im very sure, if my english turn out to be very good in the future(by good i meant good like J.K. Rowling) and if i were to publish a book tittled The Souls of The Crawford "Kids", it would be such a big hit.
I mean, we have our ups and downs. we have had quarrels, hatred and slight backstabbing amongst us but we have had our ups as well. we made peace and we became stronger emotionally and we grew. we cherish one another and enjoyed every moment we spent together. be it just slacking round the fitness corner, meeting up for pool, watching movies, gymming, swimming or chalet. each of us truly enjoyed ourselves and a small part of our heart will have reserved memories for each moment we had.

Now that we have spent 4 years together, and the boys slowly progressing to the army and eventually stepping into the workforce, I fear for the end of this friendship or rather brotherhood(yeap, peiping u're in it as well). because this is like how the movies or dramas go, the bond we have slowly disappear and den tt's it, we meet up only on special occasions and walla, we on our own. I dare not imagine the life i would have if not for them. so this time, im gonna dedicate this post to all those who i cared so dearly in my life.

(p.s. this is my words i wanna say to u all.. which i dare not dare to say it out. ><)
I noe u guys have been putting up with my bad borrowing habits, and i have sort of been a financial burden to all of u. But seriously thx for helping me in the bills which i cant pay and silently waiting for me to pay u all back without asking me for the money back. I really appreciate the time u all give me in repaying ur debts. Zhengzhong, Yongling, Martin, Ivan, Sherman, Shenzi, Xia Xin and Aloysius jus to name a few. i think in total i owe a accumulated of hundreds to all of u that im not even able to keep track of the debt myself, but i will change and definitely repay ur debts one way or another, monetarily or other means.

Also, i've known i have been a very xia lan kia and have been playing practical jokes on all of u quite often, which most of the times get on ur nerves on cloudy days. I am truly sorry, is not that i don't notice the change in ur facial expressions or ur body language, but i just really cant help it. I will try to be less xia lan in the future starting from now. U guys have my word. i'll change.

Lastly, i've realise that my sense of urgency have deteroriate tremendously. Once used to be early on meetings and now im mostly late all the times. Lack of sleep have been my constant excuse during this time but i'll try to be back on time again.

No matter what, u guys have all formed a major part of my life. If my life was a mind map with my name being the main subject or main heading, the names of u guys will not be the sub-heading. Because u guys will be grouped in my life like this.
Tan Jian An -> Family -> The Tan Family.
Tan Jian An -> Family -> The Crawford Family -> (names of u guys)

That is how important u guys were in my life. Thx for being there. Each of u all have been a pillar of my support and i think u guys deserved to be regconised by the readers of my blog. (though it has a pathetic view rate.) but the main part of it is when the years past and one fine day when i log on to my blogger account and start reading my archives, i will see the great memories in my life and u guys will be the bulk of it.

(now is the personal words i wanna say to my pillars of support.)

~Chen Wei Sheng~
U have been truly an inspiration to me.
Teaching me morales and how we should live our life.
A role model of responsibility and brotherhood to me.
Im really sorry i can't make it for lunch or skycat with u at times.
But i truly enjoy the rides u gave me
and the advice u gave me.

~Ivan Pang Qing Siang~
U have been the most heartfelt guy i have met.
One who shares a similarly different family background as me.
One who has the same fear of me showing love to our family.
U have been a great confidante of mine.
And im really glad u have been with me to support me emotionally
though u always take a more quiet stance in supporting me.
But ur presence was felt. I mean it.
And with ur support, i believe i owe u my support.
I'll be there for u whenever i can.
Make it i be there whenever u need it.

~Casey Liu Xia Xin~
Though u may not be the closet brothers i had.
But its still a joy to have u and u do give great advice at times of need.
I hope u dun mind me making a fool of u all the times.
U made me realise the beauty of soccer
by breaking it in depth to me which open my eyes.
Street soccer defender in my heart.
Just like in life, someone that we can rely on in times of need.
Thanks Casey.

~Marin Choo Guan Tong~
U are one of the earliest bros i've sworn to keep in contact with.
One that heightens my passion for singing
And someone who gives me good reason to be fillial to my parents.
Really wish your illness had not hit u.
If only we can be wild like years ago.
Nonetheless, i still wish for ur company.
Don't start AWOL in our meetings alright?
Be glad it happen.
Keep enduring my bro, It's time to receive the baton.

~Sherman Kwah Bao Jian~
U shall the luckiest bro i have met.
I bet our relationship won't be so close if not for ADJ.
Thanks for backing me up even if u knew i was in the wrong.
Thanks for helping me out even if i did'nt really helped u.
Thanks for all the advice, the company and the concern u gave.
On another note, im truly sorry for spoiling ur mood
and getting on ur nerves due to my xia lan ness.
Like how ur gym routine takes u 2 months
Give me 2 months. I'll change.
Oh, and u're another great confidante i have. thanks.

~Lee Yong Ling~
U have been teaching me everything i have to
know bout life since the early days.
Back than i was naive and oppose to ur thoughts
but now that i've grown, thanks for ur advice.
U have been a great brother in times of need.
And most importantly, the senior of my xia lan ness. Thanks.
U have been there for me financially since early days.
And with that, i owe u one.
Thx for caring and being a good brother i can rely on.

~Tan Shen Zi~
U were a eye opener to me.
A girl that i didnt noe exist.
U've showed me how it pays to be kind
and till today, i still cant imagine the
tyrant u were in the past from the stories of other boys.
Nonetheless, u were also a role model of mine
to be kind and respectful. thanks alot.

~Goh Zheng Zhong~
My first real brother i had.
Just like a twin brother that was with me in my early days.
Being cheeky and playful.
All we wanted was only fun and laughter back then.
U were the one that had me loving crawford lane.
Because of ur company, i realised crawford lane's beauty.
It's a pity we are now no longer as close as we were before.
But i still treat u as a close brother of mine.
U have always been there for me,
financially, emotionally or physically.
Whenever im in trouble, u'll be with me.
Come to think of it, i've hardly been there for u.
It's time the roles reversed.
Hia Di, its time i played my part. Thanks for everything.

~Cheryl Tay Pei Ping~
We were not on very good terms in the past,
But as times passed, i realised ur strengths.
U then turned to be a girl that we guys wanted to protect.
i guess we treat u as a mei mei bah.
But nonetheless, u were also there for me in my lovelost days.
And i thank u for leading me out of it.
U have been a true friend that cherish us.
And a true friend that i am glad to have made.
Thanks alot.

~Aloysius Tan Kok An~
U've grown so much.
By that i dun mean just ur physique but ur intelligence as well.
If there's anything u are strong at,
its ur mind and i mean it.
U have undoubtly made me viewed in awe
how strong-willed u can be.
and it sometimes made me envious seeing
how determined u can be.
A true brother that i regret not knowing u soon
but since we've met, let us make full use of it.
Remember to bring pride to ur parents.
and when u do become very fit,
dun forget to train me k?
Thanks for ur comapny everytime and ur cash.
And like what i said to sherman,
Its time i start not getting on ur nerves. 2 months!

And with that, i guess i really finished wat i wanted to say to my family. and it was only after this that, i realise they have been there for me more than i have been there for them. Prehaps, its time i try to be there for them. I hope u all give me a chance to be someone important in ur life like how u all are to me. In a corner of my heart, u guys have left a mark. A mark i'll carry with the story of how we met and the times we had. The stories of us will then be told to my children and my grandsons, making sure they take uncles and aunties like u in the future to be role models. Role models of how a true friend should be.

I know this will sound
freaking childish and all but
Friends Forever
alright?

Hope is only a hope afterall?

Ain't it strange
That everytime i hear ur name
In a casual conversation
I just can't think straight.

Time only comes once.
Chance hardly comes twice.
So when chances come knocking on your door.
Grab it.

Hope is something that keeps one going.
Something that keeps one moving.
But when all is lost.
How does one continue progressing?

Life only presents itself once.
So i should really treasure it.
Making mistakes is part of life.
But some mistakes are not meant to be.

Hope makes one smile.
Hope makes one grin.
But when it's lost,
One can't barely even think.

So is hope really something worth having?
Or is hope only a hope afterall?
Is it just another facade to keep one motivated?
Or a mask to keep one smiling?

Hope is afterall just a hope.
Nothing factual simply fictional.
Well, i beg to differ.
For this hope im having, is more than just hope.

This hope i'm having
is a dream, a future a vision.
This hope i'm having
is none other than you.

Hopes, Dreams, Future, Vision...
Do they come true?

I hope they do.
I'm sure they do.
I'll just wait and see.
Hope u'll wait and see too.

TOP ONE!!

Hah, Hah, Hah...
Finally had a singing session lols... after so long, so glad that i was able to sing wif my poly mates again. think it was 2 days ago when we went singing. lols... had fun and laughter, though priscilla was way way late. =x
oh and didnt i mention i finally heard fernie sang for the first time! like FIRST TIME in a KTV room and she sounded not bad, like a small girl actually. LOLS...
What a voice for such a girl~ lols=x

Had pretty of fun singing sad songs and songs with extremly high notes.. FUN! lols...
Nothing much to write about now so lets jus end this post wif some pics!..




and to really end it, a pic of me going way way high when i was singing 听海 or 彩虹. haha.. nice pic eh. lols...

P.S. looking forward to next K session wif my Beachers, especially when aloysius lose his K virginity to us!!!! =x

Wishes and Death

Went paying respects to my grandparents yesterday.
Its been a year just like that since that day where i had a heartfelt conversation with them.
This year, everything was the same, seeing their faces on the wall, ashes being it and their souls somewhere near me.
Time stood still when i held the joss sticks in my hand and mumbled what i had to say to them.
Well, i was unable to fulfill what i promised them in the past. so i apologized, but told them recent events and once again im trying slowly but surely, hoping things will turn out fine this time round.

Seeing the faces reminds me of how i used to be a cute toddler walking hand in hand with my grandpa down to the ah neh convenience store and buy me a YAKULT everytime. if im not wrong, i prefer the grape flavour. haha. well as for my grandma, my only memories were that of her caning and scolding in order to discipline me. Wonder is it me or the fumes of the incense that were making me teary at that point in time. or was it her and the wish i made last year? ah who cares.

Nonetheless, my grandparents were a pillar of support for me, subconciously throughout my childhood days so i guess i pretty miss them and love them, well not alot but still love them =). Anw, isit me or are the smiles of the ederly just as cute as those of a cute child. I really feel that their smile emits the happiness they feel from the bottom of their heart. Like there's no intention to fake a smile, or smile for the ocasion. They just do something that i think what this society is lacking. A warm-hearted smile, a smile that is able to bring warmth to others and make them smile conciously, or sub-conciously. so cool eh.

Wishes i made whenever i pray always changes according to my current needs, be it Acing my exams, Passing my exams, able to woo the girl, able to last with the girl, happiness and peace for my family, wealth for my family, etc... they have always been another pillar for me. i guess making a wish gives me hope and some confidence that these things will come. and if they did come true, i know it was because of the wish. but sometimes, these wishes fall short and its really hard to take the blow. especially if the blow is a big one like an emotionall blow. but its these emotional blows that help mould someone into a better person and destroy them if they cant make it true. call it a double edge sword if i may and may it be the reason for my growth and not my fall hopefully. LOLs...

When i was paying respect to my grandparents, i accompanied my aunt to pay respect to his friend as well. was a businessman, a great friend of my aunt who looked after her in the automobile businesss and sadly died due to a heart attack or so from what ive heard jus months ago at the age of 50+. wow, Death do come easily eh. Its really special how death can makes one mourn unknowingly, makes one realise the importance of losing someone dear and makes someone love more. Well, even though the one being loved may not be physically there, im sure some part of him or her spiritually must have felt it. Well, i guess i will have my ans in many many years to come after i live a long ripe age. hah.

I know this post is random like shit and im terribly sorry if i've wasted minutes of ur time. sorry.
hah.

Oh btw, i've started the Gym membership at my community centre with aloysius. hah, it was fun! but futile since i did not do much. maybe it was because of the lack of sleep or the lack of sessions that made me restless, but i guess according to what i did today, it was pretty well. well more sessions to come for 6 months. Pray for me to get a bigger frame. Im gonna be a model! lols, alright im joking, im gonna be an SIA STEWARD! lols... that was once my dream but, BLAH, have to be realistic. lols.

With that, may all those deceased that i know of, dear or not dear be loved. I love u. =)

Road to recovery

Alright, guess im healing now. haha.. wanna thank my mum for taking good care of me. hah..
Was a very bad 2 days for me, feeling cold and hot. bloody ass.. so idiotic. zzzzzz...

Well on a brighter side, finally i had a heart to heart chat with yanwen!!!! lols...
FIRST TIME IN MY LIFE!!!!
kkz, im faking my excitement, so wat if its yanwen, jus a chat wat. lols.

But after talking with her, though its on msn. She made me realise a whole new viewpoint of things and opinions. Her words actually hold some weight haha. well it was fun talking to her and made me remake my decision. Which on the other hand is more me and lets jus say more appropriate for this situation im in.

Alright, i have to keep resting so i'll jus end here.

A phrase after rewatching Music and Lyrics last night,
When u realise the world is no longer a fairy tale, and suddenly u cant smile anymore? or something like that. haha...
Well, if its me, it'll have to depend on who is there for me.
With friends and family, than i may be still able to smile frequently, but if she's there as well, than maybe i smile everyday. =x

Pls let me make the right decision.

38.7~ geez

Greattttttttt~~~~~ im having a fever of 38.7 and i cant seem to focus.. damn...
Sweating like a pig one second.
Shivering like a mouse the other.
Please let me heal faster.
Purist Thunderward, Heal me!!!! lols.. im off to rest.
Wish me well my friends...

/P.S. damn i stink...